Thursday, November 14, 2013

to Cultivate

So its been an age and a day again since I posted.  I lied I said I'd be back..tisk tisk Bunny Dee.  Honestly though there have been ups and downs.  I should perhaps go through them, I'm often concerned that what I write might be a terrible bore to some.  I should stop over thinking and just be more free though.

Diabetes: I've been a diabetic since I was 13 years old.  Thats a good 18 years now.  I don't discuss it on my blog much or at all, its not that I'm ashamed.  I unabashedly take my insulin in public places even when there are constant stares.  I took a class however this august.  The first in 18 years.  I was in the hospital for 5 days when I was first diagnosed, in LA.  Since that day though I just went with what I knew.  I moved on, I lived my life, I was a good diabetic.  I only forgot to take my insulin twice in 18 years.  I needed to re-learn.  Re-tool my insulin doses.  In the act of that however the little 13 year old diabetic reared her frantic little head.  Her little "I've got this.  I don't need your help.  I'm responsible," head.  The class required a look at what we were doing, changing our doses, sent me into high bloodsugar overload I was crying nightly.  I broke down in front of the doctors when they told me that they wanted me to stay at those insulin levels.  When I broke down they looked at me like a caged animal.  I felt like a child again which was strange for a 30 year old woman.  After that I approached my diabetes with a military intensity.  I have a way of doing many things in that fashion.  Every bad bloodsugar even as I was learning was looked at as a friend finally had to convince me to stop that.  It took months though..

I guess that should be the first thing that I post in this long while.  No need to bog down this post with too much.  I have a good life.  I'm a lucky person in many ways.  Some nights...well many nights I miss open roads.  I want to have experiences in small towns, at little diners, tucked away dive bars.  Maybe its the country girl in me.  My cross country trip with my mother was one of the most beautiful of my life.  The endless country, the kind people, the quirky strange places and moments.  Some days I am not sure the city life is my dream.  Maybe i would be more content in some tiny place where I could have a home and not a room.  A porch and not loud neighbors.  See a sunset in the distance.  Watch a sun rise and drink a cup of coffee.  Maybe I want to just have a cat and draw while it tries to get in my way and paw at my pencil, and my glasses.

Not too unlike my drawing above.  Her name is Aura.  Her cat is named Dido.  She seems like she could fit in a city or the country.  She could be that lady hanging out in Sedona.  Selling crystals and waving at neighbors as they walk down the street.  She could take drives in her old beat up car to the grand canyon to catch the view.  She could be a city girl staying out of the fog or laughing with friends at some local haunt.

I need to remember that I'm born on the same day as Annie Oakley.  Alfred Hitchcock.  Strange people, who did life their way.  Didn't follow trends and were driven.  Sometimes I wish I had more of the driven part..something to cultivate.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

there is a season

 so its been an age and a day since my last posting. I am going to make an effort to change that habit of just putting writing aside. Big news is that I turned 30 in august. I know 30 is a big number but I find that upon reaching it I don't know what it is supposed to mean. Some people go about their lives in steps and I've never been able to do that, its probably why I always put things together wrong when I am given directions. I have a way of going in backwards order.

 So I am 30. I don't have a 401K. I am not in a relationship and I my mind has not settled. That doesn't mean that someone who doesn't follow steps in life doesn't have dreams. I might just not hit mine in the same way others do. I'm working hard on not comparing myself to others and find that I always find short in that goal.

 I am still unsure of where this blog should go, should it be just art, or personal or a mix of both...? what I have found upon turning 30 is that number feels right. For the first time in 6 or more years when asked my age I give the correct number. I am not unsure of it, I like 3's and I'm glad to have another 10 years of that number. I have found that I like to be cozy, that I am more introvert then extrovert and that I have started to really be honest with people about that aspect of me. I like to be in my dreams, oh and I now require glasses to see. I love the desert and the woods, I am afraid and amazed at all the intricate parts of the human body. I want to watch more sunsets I want to cry with friends and laugh with them as well. I want to be an artist. I want to travel more someday. Oh and I have a new tattoo. It's of the dragon smaug and elvish script that says "rabbit spirit" once a nerd always a nerd.. xo